Since I started practicing relationship therapy over 15 years ago, lots of couples have said to me “when our relationship is good it’s great, but when things are bad, they’re awful.”
From my experience, most of the problems that couples face are based on communication, or the lack of it. As relationships progress, a lot of people tend to fall into a communication pattern or style which can be very hard to break as time goes on. Some communicative dynamics are positive and beneficial, while others can be very destructive to one or both people. Once a problematic or dysfunctional pattern has been formed, it can become so engrained that most couples can predict exactly how an argument will start, develop, and conclude. Despite this realisation, it can take many years of disagreements, or even the disintegration of the relationship before any real progress is made. If this sounds familiar, you may have found that you have fallen victim to the dreaded communication trap. There are lots of different types of communication traps, but the end result is usually the same. Hurt, emotional distance, shame, and anger. Here are two common destructive interaction styles, and some tips about how to avoid them.
Round and round we go
This style is when each person participates in a vicious cycle of contradicting and offending the other, whilst perpetuating the disagreement. Whilst engaging in this harmful pattern of communication it is difficult to establish possible resolutions, as neither person is willing to consider their partners perspective. In this case, either person can end the disagreement by reconsidering their response. Listen, wait your turn, and change the narrative. Any topic change can be useful at this point, to reframe the direction of the conversation.
Reactivity
This is a rapid fast response communication style where one or both people rush in to make their point before the other person has finished speaking. Sometimes, this can occur in a harmless way when both people are engaged in a passionate or excited conversation, but it can also lead to a communication trap when there are high levels of reactivity in any dynamic. In this case, try not to blame the other person, and perhaps take some time away from the conversation to calm down. It might be beneficial to make a pact with your partner before an argument ensues, where you both agree on ways to prevent this from happening in the future. You could use phrases like “I can feel myself getting upset and I’m finding it difficult to hear your point of view right now. Can we try and have this conversation again later?” The response to your partners cool-off request should always be “yes”, to avoid falling into a communication trap.
You may find yourself thinking that these suggestions are stating the obvious, and unlikely to resolve a communication issue in a relationship, but you would be surprised at how effective they can be. Sometimes, it is important to go back to basics in a relationship and re-establish the foundations of a healthier interaction. There are of course many other communication styles and traps that couples and individuals may succumb to.
If you would like to find out more about a specific issue or go into more detail about the one’s in this post, contact a Square 1 Therapist today. Our relationship experts are highly qualified to assist you in your pursuit of more meaningful and reciprocal relationships.
